All This Music
by LotrNaustenfan
Summary: The last episode of RH series 2 told through Djaq's eyes. Kind of mushy, but still a good read. Songfic, WD, and fluffy in parts. ::He says he understands flight, and I believe him.::


Ok, so this is my first song fic Robin Hood story. I think you'll find that I do not do song fics like most people mine are long and detailed. The main story is between the lines of the song not the song itself, it is just a buffer for the story. This is in all prose and you'll find it blocky because it is someone's thoughts and there isn't very much conversation and where there is it isn't seperated like it should be, but you will see why. I just took a little artistic freedom with that. I hope you enjoy it, I really liked writing it and I think it's great. The song is Fidelity by Regina Spektor, old song by now, but still amazing to listen to.

**All This Music**

_**(Shake it up)**_

_**I never loved nobody fully  
Always one foot on the ground**_

I can't help it. I tend to find something wrong in every relationship, whether it is a friendship, or something different. I thought it was a fad from childhood that I would eventually grow out of. The problem is, now, I'm sitting here in this dark cramped space thinking of nothing but the walls on every side and the mere feet between our small group and the hundreds of mersanaries on the other side and there is too much time to think. But almost more than the mersenaries, I'm thinking about that sweet, half smiling, sad face in front of me. I'm thinking of all my secrets and how can I say that my secret is him? How can I tell him when I never allow myself to feel, I hold back in every situation. Even now when I look at him, I can feel the supression of emotion and feeling inside of me. How do I tell him? How do I open my mouth and utter the words when I don't even know what they are?

**_And by protecting my heart truly  
I got lost in the sounds  
I hear in my mind  
All these voices_**

I can just hear what they would all say, how they would react. They are silly boys and would probably laugh or snicker or possibly even gag. They don't understand the heart. Then again, neither do I. I look at him, and I know that he does. He understands it all, every piece, every heart. He feels stronger than anyone else, and more fiercely. He wouldn't sit here pondering what emotion he feels, he would know and only ask the question of when. When would he confess? She had bigger problems.

_**I hear in my mind all these words**_

"I love you, all of you," I confess, scared to say what I really mean to say. I tell them all my heart in a different way, but how can I tell him. I hear the words over and over again playing in my head. I hear him reject me, I hear the boys laugh, I hear my heart crumble and the words are everywhere around me and I can't decide what is more important, telling the truth or maintaining my dignity. But what is the truth? I ask again, and now I wonder if I am simply stalling.

**_I hear in my mind all this music_**

"I have to be honest" I hear myself say and it repeats in my head like everything you really ponder does. I think of what that means and my eyes stray to his face. He is looking at the ground and smiling shyly and sadly. He amazes me with that smile. It has so much life and so much compassion, and yet it is void of the confusion I often feel. He seems so sure, so true and perfect. How is that possible? His voice is like music to my ears and I long to hear him speak, he does so infrequently, but if it means that I must tell him my deepest fears and desires then maybe I can wait longer. But then I think of the mersenaries and I realize that I don't have the time. I have to know now, what I feel.

**_And it breaks my heart_**

I open my mouth to speak feeling the heat in my cheeks. "If I am being honest I must say that I do not love all of you in the same way."

**_And it breaks my heart_**

He doesnt look up at that. He just continues to stare at the ground.

_**And it breaks my heart**_

Much says something, but I'm not listening. I'm thinking of how I tell this perfect man that in this heart that doesnt love I have found such strong feelings for him that it seems impossible that they exist.

_**It breaks my heart**_

"There is one I do love," I say and he looks at me, slowly his beautiful eyes look up at me. I can't look at him. I can't let him see it. I gulp down my nervousness and finish my sentence, "more than the others" I say and I feel his mouth begin to open, but I don't give him the chance to speak.

**_And suppose I never ever met you_**

I'm speaking words and thinking of our past and how we got to this point. I'm thinking of that first look at the handsome young man when he seemed like just a cub, unsure and terrified of the Saracens, including myself. So rare is that look on his face, that I wish I would have memorized it at the time. I begin thinking about the time he saw me shirtless and I almost want to laugh as I recall his stunned face. He seemed so innocent and I hated that he was so calm, but now I just find it charming and endearing. And I tell him that my love for him is like the love of Bassam's birds who fly thousands of miles to be with the ones they love, and I wonder where those words come from and how I can possibly say I love him that much when I don't really know what I'm saying.

**_Suppose we never fell in love_**

As I ponder this supposed intense love that I have for him, I begin thinking of every touch every feeling. I can't look at him because my mind is wandering everywhere in the world between us. It is as though I am trying to spot the elephant in the room and keep missing him. But then I see it. The light touch of his hand on my shoulder while we lay in the grass staring at Allan riding a horse through the forest with mersenaries behind him. I was distracted then, but now I can fully recall the intense passion such a touch made me feel. I remember reaching out and touching his face lightly with my hand when he returned to the gang after Robin had said he was the traiter. I remember how my touch was the only thing that calmed him when his father was murdered. All it took was the connection of our eyes, and that made me love him even more. He could stare a hole through me.

As I think about it, every touch, every smile, every emotion, I say the words. "That is the love I feel. And I am a fool because it is only now, when we are about to die that I have the courage to admit it, even to myself."

**_Suppose I never ever saw you_**

I look at him now, directly, begging him to shut me up with something. I see him with every part of me, not just my eyes, and I wish I could freeze this space in time forever so that I could see the hope in his eyes as I say the words. I can't help but feel the tears developing in my eyes. I finally see what my heart feels, I see it in his eyes, and I can't believe I am just now seeing it, and I'm angry that it took me so long. In a few moments we will die and all I can think is how much I want to freeze this moment forever so that I can see that look in his eyes over and over again.

**_Suppose we never ever called_**

"You, Will Scarlet are strong and true and you fight for what you believe in," I say as I feel the tears in my eyes and know it doesnt even begin to say the reason that I love him. He is so much of everything and I love him for so many reasons. I tell him that it is why I love him, but I know that he knows the truth. He knows that my heart is so full of him that it feels like I could cry, and I can't believe that such a feeling is real. He smiles and looks at the ground, and I wish he wouldn't I wish I could see that smile forever. As if he will explode in that moment, he leans in with such intensity and the words that I have longed to hear in these long moments of intensity fall from his mouth. "And I love you," he says and he gives me reasons and we fall into laughter as we feel the bubbling of so much love come to the surface. Never have I felt like such a school girl. "I love the way you fight, like a man," he says and "the way you will always be a woman" and for the first time I believe someone sees the real me. It is all there in his eyes. He understands.

**_Suppose I kept on singing love songs just to break my own fall_**

The laughter soon dies as we remember why we were speaking all our hearts, and I remember again that this is the last time Will and I will be together. So short, is all I can think, not enough time. The light is rising on the horizon and we move the cart blocking the door, preparing to charge out and face our deaths. I can feel the tear already forming in my eyes, but I will be strong, I will not cry.

_**Just to break my fall**_

We become quiet and we exchange looks. Robin looks very thoughtfully at me, and I know what he is saying with his eyes.

**_Just to break my fall_**

I look at the love of my life and he looks at me, and the words Robin spoke in his eyes hit me, "kiss him while you have the chance."

**_Break my fall_**

Will's eyes are intense as always and they are begging me to close the gap between us. As if in response my feet almost skip out from under me and in seconds my lips are upon his.

**_Break my fall_**

The kiss is short, but perfect. His lips are everything I have ever dreamt his lips would be. They are soft and sweet and taste like honey. He slightly parts his lips and I take his bottom lip into my mouth. It is such a short moment, but it goes on forever in my mind. I feel everything in one whirlwind. I want to give myself to him completely, but we are still standing in this huddled barn about to meet our deaths. Perhaps the knowing of death makes the kiss even better, but I feel as though every kiss with Will would be this way. We part and I just stare at him with what I hope is a hopeful look, and he stares back with intense passion.

**_All my friends say that of course its gonna get better_**

We get away in what can only be described as a miracle from Allah or maybe from Will's God, but whomever, it is a blessing. We rush off again on another journey and when I hear the Holy Land come from Allan's mouth I think that my only thought will be of returning to my homeland, but instead all I can think is that I will get to taste Will's lips again.

**_Gonna get better  
Better better better better  
Better better better_**

Being back in the Holy Land is not what I think it will be. I feel like a foreigner now and the words must appear on my face because Will lightly grabs my hand and squeezes it gently. Going to Bassam's house brings back some of the feelings of my childhood and the look on Will's face as he closes the cage on one of the birds makes me think that no man, Saracen or English, could be so much in my heart as this man. No one understands me like him and he says he understands flight and I believe him.

**_I never love nobody fully  
Always one foot on the ground_**

We are hanging from posts with our arms to either side of us in the high heat of the desert of Acre. I look up at the gorgeous man in front of me. Any other day I would take this opportunity to get a good look at all his manly parts, but not today. Today we are facing death again, and when that gorgeous man asks how long we have, I can't find it in me to tell him that we have only a few hours. I think about how I didn't believe, not so long ago, that I could love someone this much. I didn't allow myself to love like this, but now staring at him I both see my point and think it silly at the same time. Yes, this pain is great, the pain of knowing that it is over, I can't even die in his arms, but also knowing this love is the greatest gift Allah ever gave me. I have shared kisses, sweet and innocent, and others passionate and testing to my control, but all have showed me that a life without love is hardly a life at all.

**_And by protecting my heart truly  
I got lost  
In the sounds_**

Some how we miraculously get out of it again, and I celebrate by giving my man the greatest kiss that anyone could ever give. I pause in thought for a second and realize that he really is my man. He will always be mine, and I think of how my mother would have reacted, or my father, or my brother. How would they have felt that I was in love with a pale one from the country that essentially killed my brother. But the sounds in my heart are more powerful now. I feel his lips upon mine, and his hands on either side of my hips, and I feel his gorgeous face beneath my hands and I know that if they knew the feeling in my heart they would understand and give their blessing.

**_I hear in my mind  
All these voices_**

We go now to fight for "King and Country" as some would say, but as I recall that this is not my King or Country I realize that I fight not for England the country, but for my England and my England is standing beside me with axe in hand. He looks at me with a confident smile and I want nothing more than to kiss it away. I remember what he said when we were tied up and I recall how much he loves me. "I'm sorry, my love, I should have made you stay with Bassam" but I would have never left him. I remember what he had told me the night before about the time the Sheriff had captured me and how he had begged Robin to go after me because I was "not one man," but "a woman." And I felt more like a woman in that moment than ever before.

**_I hear in my mind all these words_**

Robin says something about how we will fight. Our strategy, he says. It has always been a hard word to translate for me, but I think I understand it and as I think about my future and where I will go with my love, I know no better strategy than determination to live. I think of his face and burn it inside my retinas so that it will be what I remember. I no longer fear death, I have escaped it a million times and several just in the last couple days, instead I fear the end to this dream that is glory, love, and honor in my heart. But as I open my eyes I remember again what we are doing and all the words are lost, and all I hear is my own heart beat.

**_I hear in my mind  
All this music_**

I fly through the streets fighting. I think of Robin and how he fought already so much for us, and now it is our turn, but most of all I think of Will and his beautiful intense smile and eyes. We meet together and look around in shock, no one is around. We split up and rush off to help, but the action has evaded us. I hear Will's voice, the music to my ears call my name and I run as fast as I can to him. He grabs my hand and pulls me toward an unlikely scene. There lies Marian and the King both with severe wounds. Will and I rush to the King because his life, unfortunately, does come first. He seems like he will be all right, so I turn to Marian, while Will looks after the King. One look at her tells me it is over.

**_And it breaks my heart_**

I look at Will and tears are in my eyes. It could have easily been him or I. He seems to think the same thing as one solitary tear falls down his face. My attention turns back to Robin and I do my best to tell him what to do, but I can't get the words out. Marian begs to remove the sword, but I can't let her do it. I should tell her straight away, but I can't find the words. My mouth is dry and Will's hand somehow finds mine. I begin to cry silent tears, as Robin and Marian marry and then Marian removes the sword.

****

**_And it breaks my heart_**

At the funeral, Will puts his arm around me, and I feel the burning in my soul that says this was the single biggest event of my life. I look at Robin with his eyes only on Marian as he carries her body to her grave. All I can think is how far from home her body must lie. I hate to admit it, but I praise Allah in that moment that it was not my Will. I don't know what I would have done if I would have lost him so soon.

**_I hear in my mind all of these voices_**

The night before we are supposed to leave, Will pulls me aside and takes me to the wash room of Bassam's house where he seems to find it hard to speak. He looks at his shoes several times and I fear that he will tell me he wants to leave me. He looks at me in my new found dress, and he seems to realize he has only seen me in a dress once in all the time he has known me, and I realize it too. I think back to that moment and it is a fond memory as I realize why he looked at me so strangely. I think now I will never wear trousers again as he tells me I look incredibly beautiful.

Then, he seems to find words all of a sudden and asks me the strangest question, "Do you want to stay here in Acre?" I almost cry at his words. Is he trying to get rid of me? I ask him what he means and he says that this is my home and I tell him that my home is with him. He smiles and I don't fear him leaving anymore. Then, he leans in and kisses me gently and tells me, "I would like to stay here with you, Sufiyah." I almost cry at hearing him call me by my name, but the rest of the sentence really gets me to tears. He seems shocked as I cry my eyes out. "Would you not like that?" he asks as he wrongly interprets my tears, and I say that I would love that, but I wonder how he would like it. He tells me that his place is with me. His home is where I am.

**_I hear in my mind all of these words_**

The boys are leaving today and I feel the pain in my heart at staying behind, but it was always my dream to raise a family in the desert of Acre with Bassam's birds all around. I told Will that once and I wonder if that is why he asked if I wanted to stay. I am taken out of my musings by my lover's voice calling out Robin's name. Robin comes over and he knows instinctively that we are staying. He hugs us and turns to go away as my lover holds on to me as if I will rush away if he does not hold me. We will miss the adventures, but more than that we will miss the gang.

**_I hear in my mind all of this music_**

They leave and it is so difficult not to wish that we were going as well. But how would we live now as a family in the forest? How would we be married and have children if we were running around Sherwood all the time? I know now that Will made the right decision and as his soon to be wife I will follow him anywhere.

**_Breaks my  
Heart_**

At the wedding I see the man of my dreams in front of me, wearing the traditional garb of my country and I almost want to laugh at the silly grin on his face. He looks at my lips several times and I know he is just dying to take me to bed with him. I am not embarrassed to admit it or acknowledge it and I think it makes him even more eager. I look at all the Saracens in the room and I can't help but wish there were some pale ones here as well. I look at Will and he knows what I'm thinking, but his eyes say it is okay. I believe him and do my best to put it out of my mind as I think about how happy we will be together.

**_Breaks my heart_**

Several months have passed and Will and I are beginning to feel the itch for our sword and axe. We wonder how Robin and the gang are doing and we wish we could see them again and help fight for England once more. One night I confess it to Will and he says that he misses Sherwood as well. We spend several nights talking about our old home and when finally we can not stand it anymore, we go to Bassam and confess that we are aching for another adventure. He gives his blessing and kisses our foreheads before we embark on another journey. The King is short to return and when he does, we might even be able to find a permanent home in England. I think it, but I don't confess it to Will, he is always thinking about my happiness and never his own, but he does not realize that England was my home as well.

As we take the long journey, with one of Bassam's bird in our company, in case we needed to send a message back to the Holy Land, I begin to feel something low in my gut, and it is not hunger pains. I smile briefly, but don't let Will see or know what I suspect. Perhaps, a new addition to the gang, even in the forest if only for a while, would not be so bad.


End file.
